My choice to love

“I love you so much that I can’t live without you”

“I dont know what I’d do without you”

“I need you in my life” 

Even if none of these things has been said to you directly – you have heard them said; probably more times than you can count. You hear these phrases, or similar ones, in movies, books and real life constantly. There is nothing wrong with this kind of love, but I don’t subscribe to it. 

I love my husband with all my heart but I would be lying if I said this is how I feel. I think what I have is something more, something deeper. I can live without my husband, I did it for the majority of my life just fine. I do not “need” my husband, I’m a self sufficient woman with a good history of taking care of herself and I feel confident that I could survive. I do know what i would do without him, if he left or passed away – I would do what i needed to do to take care of myself and our family. I know that at times these phrases are said with a less literal intention but I feel they cheapen my love. 

I am with my husband and choose to make a family and spend my life with him because I want toI admit to being a difficult woman to be with – I am stubborn, opinionated, sensitive, hypocritical, self conscious, harsh, socially awkward and a long list of other things that I’m sure my husband could tell you. He is not an easy man to be with – his Bipolar disorder paired with his ADD/ADHD is a struggle on it’s own, without taking everyday flaws into account. I stay with him not because I need to – but because I want to. To imply that it is out of need takes away the romance and meaning – it implies your there because you don’t have a choice. 

I am here everyday because Morgan is everything that I’ve ever wanted in another human being. That includes his flaws, I love having a man that will argue with me, push back at my ideas and call my bullshit. I have a man whose very nature forces me to practice patience and understanding on a daily basis. He is 100% worth every hard day – because I truly love him as a whole, not because I can’t imagine another choice. 

Our marriage is two imperfect people who love each other even when they arn’t being lovable. Two people who always pick each other first and believe in each other when we cant always believe in ourselves. I am not going to say I cant live without him, I can – I just don’t ever want to. I have a choice and I choose him


right or wrong

i dont always make choices the standard way, the way people nowdays call healthy. i dont, at every crossroads, weigh the options, measure the odds, check my schemata to see how x or y fits. i stand at the fork waiting to be pulled by a force stronger than psychology, more precise than logic.
i make a hundred choices everyday, decisions about where to put my money, who to talk to, what food to eat. and yet the fundamental experiences which have shaped my life, the cities i’ve lived in, the family i’ve been born into, the people i’ve been attracted to, the color of my skin, the books i’m drawn to read, the ideas which compel me, none of these i choose. i find my map without a traditional trajectory, too fragmented for a linear narrative. there is always a direction. there is never a dead end, never a path that does not make me more a human being than i was before. i am always moving. i am always in life, walking.